Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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