I'm jealous of your bromance
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
