i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
