It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
