Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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