Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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