4 words: hood of his car
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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