I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Randomize
