I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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