dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Randomize
