I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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