If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
