What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
