I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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