ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
