we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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