I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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