My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
