I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I am midnight drunk by noon
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Randomize
