im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
