It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
