i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
