guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
