I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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