none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
