It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
