wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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