Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
