well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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