when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
