im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Randomize
