I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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