How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
