I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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