You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
