I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
