I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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