i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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