you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
