hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
