I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
