She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
