my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
