I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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