How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
