Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
