so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
