I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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