ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
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