I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
