The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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